I remember the time I recognized that I was drifting through life.
“What happens next?”
“I hope something good will happen to me.”
“That’s just the way it is. I can’t do anything about it.”
I used to say these statements over and over, and I caught myself.
I caught myself saying these statements as if they were gospel truth. Reflections of my aimlessness and lack of personal power.
What did that tell me?
That I was drifting through life.
I realized that those statements told nothing about what I wanted to do, what I planned to do, and whether I had any plan at all. Those statements were just waiting, for whatever comes.
I realized that I didn’t really have a plan. That I was just waiting for whatever opportunity comes my way, and hoping that I like what will come.
Or that I just eventually like whatever it is that I got handed.
What else told me, and can tell you, that you’re just drifting through life?
You don’t know what you want.
And if you don’t know what you want, then it doesn’t really matter where you go, or what you do.
You’ll be pulled in many different directions by other people who have dreams, goals, and the plans and actions to pursue them.
If you don’t know what you want, then it’s easy to just say yes to whatever comes your way. Or it’s just as easy to say no to whatever comes your way.
Now, not knowing what you want can be helped by exploring, trying out new things, and discovering what you want. Even that act of exploration and discovery has purpose and focus.
That which is most important to you.
You don’t have a plan.
Because you may know where you want to go, but if you don’t have a plan to get there, then you might never will.
As the old adage goes: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”
You just wait for what comes next.
Or you just wait for and take whatever comes to you.
Which can be a blessing sometimes, but most of the time, it’s something different and can lead you away from where you want to end up in the first place.
In my case, it was that nothing was coming next. I got, and felt, stuck in the situations which I drifted myself into. And when that happens, you can have difficulty drifting yourself out of those situations.
You’ve got to take control, and get yourself moving, and getting, the things that you want.
You’re bored and unmotivated.
And not simply just because of the grind or the repetition. You’re bored and unmotivated because you question why you’re there in the first place.
Or where you’ll end up if you stay where you are.
Or that what you’re doing has no importance to you, has no meaning for you.
Look for what’s meaningful for you, and what inspires you. Look for what you’re good at, what you enjoy doing.
We all will encounter times when we’re bored and unmotivated. The question is whether we see what we’re doing getting us to where we want to go.
You’ve lost touch with yourself.
You might come to a point where you’re unsure, or you don’t recognize who the person you’re staring at the mirror is. A moment where you sort of don’t know who you are anymore.
And it’s not just a simple case of drama or “soul-searching”, as the call it. It can be coming from a real experience of doing things that are not really that important and meaningful for you, and at the same time, telling yourself that they are.
You rely too much on other people.
Now, no man is an island. But that doesn’t mean you have to base your decisions on other people, all the time.
That what you decide to do, and even think and believe, is based on the beliefs, opinions, and approval of other people.
Or that you make other people decide for you.
For quite some time, this happened to me as well. Whenever I would make decisions, I would always ask other people for their opinions and views.
I was looking for permission.
You don’t need other people to do that. You have the power. You can give yourself your own permission.
You’re not taking enough meaningful action, and spending enough purposeful time.
What if you already have a plan, and are taking steps to do the plan, and to achieve your goals?
You can still be drifting in that state, when you aren’t challenging yourself enough. When you’re not doing enough action, when you’re not pouring time, effort, energy, and investing in what will get you to where you want to go.
Make time for yourself, and to do what is most important and meaningful to you.
Say no to what’s not important.
Say yes to what is.
Say yes to yourself.
How did you catch yourself drifting along in your life? Please share in the comments below!
This is what I struggle with every day. That crippling feeling of not having control over anything in my life and constantly trying to grasp what I want…
I feel as if I have gotten stuck in the collective where I live. I play conputer games all day, study just so I can escape from reality and having to work (I live in Sweden so i live on a loan).
Coupled with what you say… then I feel as if I want to take action but lack the stones to do so. It so much easier to just let go and not care about anything I dream about.
Johan, thanks for sharing where you are right now. I’m curious though, what would give you the stones to take action, even if it’s a small one?
I feel like I am taking action but have some how missed the boat of life. I’m 25, live with my parents, work as a desktop technician and am taking courses to finish my AS in Electrical Engineering. But I’m still lonely. Despite knowing how to cook well, playing music on my guitar and programming, having friends and helping people where I can, I feel like I don’t deserve a partner, or if I had a partner I would just drag them down. I’m stuck in a perpetual state of judging myself for not being good enough for past failed relationships.
Kyle, thanks for being open, and for sharing where you are.
I feel you. It seems to me that even though you’ve got good things going on in your life, you feel lonely, and you don’t believe you deserve a partner, coming from your judgements on your past failures.
What do you feel about where you are?
It’s easy for people to say that you shouldn’t fee; and think such, but where you are now, has become a habit for you.
What we repeatedly think, believe, is what comes true. It’s what we look for in our environment, our work, our relationships.
What’s something small that you can do, everyday, to remind yourself of the good things you’ve got? To remind yourself to forgive yourself?
Because our future selves, are not determined by our past actions and failures. They are determined by what we do NOW.
Drop me an email at buildfreedom@fredriclipio.com, with your thoughts on the questions here, Kyle. I want to help you.
P.S. We don’t miss the boat of life. We become our own boats
Hey there I feel like this so much. I go in and out of drifting. Ive been planning on going back to school for a long time 5 yrs and cant seem to decide which program to go with. I was good at school when I was younger so I dont think I was ambitious or driven since I got the grades anyway. Then I wanted to go to med school but post-graduation I realized that it might not be my reality I had the same laid back mentality – it was my fault, i feel like Ilearnt about the importance of having drive later on. Ive found decent jobs since, met amazing people, met someone who loves me but Im not sure – but I still feel afloat may be because of my inability to get somewhere with school. I berate myself and sometimes the old mentality of my younger self kicks in .. I guess Ill make do with what comes my way. I have tough time making decisions about my life, relationship, owning my work role – it seems to be spilling everywhere. Im basically staying afloat but drifting in the process. Its not easy getting out. I superficially try to be pleasant and shake this off but its not easy.
Thanks for the insights Lili!
We DO go in and out of drifting, but of course it’s better to steer your way more often, than to drift.
I do agree with what you feel about you being indecisive, having a tough time making decisions about your life, and how’s that spilling everywhere. Precisely – if you don’t know where you want to go, then it doesn’t matter what road you go.
^ What is it that you’re unsure of?
^ What would make it easier for you to do what you want?
I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately. I don’t even know how to explain the situation am in right now. As there’s not one but a lot of issues that are bothering me. I feel like am drifting apart from all the people I used to know. Am 23 years old, law student. I never was interested in law but my parents forced me to do it. I’ve always been interested in fashion and want to make a career out of this. I don’t know what steps should I take what can I do without any money. I waste my time sitting at home watching tv , seeing young girls become such good bloggers. I have a boyfriend whom I love very much. We’ve been dating for 4 years but I don’t think he sees a future with me or if ever want to get married in future and I see no point in investing my time in this relationship if it has no future. Everyday I wake up and decide to ask him these questions and clear out these things so that I can get a clarity in my life and focus on things that are going to stay permanent
But I lack the courage as am afraid his answers will crush my heart and how difficult life will become. I’ve recently cut ties with some people who were once close to me . Am afraid what am I gonna do with my life. There’s a lot that needs to be done and am doing nothing except wasting every precious day
I feel this way currently. I just don’t know what to do about it. I have a job that pays rather well, has great benefits and a pension (basically not a job I intend to leave). I don’t hate it but if $$ were no object I certainly would be doing something different. I have been living with my boyfriend for the last 2 years. He’s sweet and supportive. We have fun together but the relationship also feels like a routine. I try to branch out by joining various women’s groups (I even started one myself) and I enjoy the company and activities but I still just find myself thinking ‘what is the point exactly?’ I feel like this sounds as though I’m depressed, but I don’t think that’s it. I guess I just don’t get why I am here (or any of us really). I do care about other people, genuinely. I daydream about making the world a better place and try to do so in the small ways that seem actually possible but it all quite honestly feels like just keeping busy. I don’t know how to make myself feel any sort of deeper meaning in life.
I just feel stuck… I recently ended an 8 year relationship with my children’s father and moved out. I have my kids any time I’m not at work and I’m physically and mentally drained all the time. I feel like I’m not moving up…. I hate my job but feel stuck because of the flexibility of the job. Everything in my life is based on my job so I don’t wanna mess up the flow… But obviously the flow isn’t working for me anymore. I think the hardest part for me is the initial change. I’m not good with change but I’m usually ok Once I make that leap. I need to learn to count on myself and not depend on others to be happy. I have always been in a relationship so I don’t know how to be alone… I guess. So I am working on that by not dating and concentrating on my kids and me. Sounds silly but just writing this has helped…
Dear Frederic Lipio,
I feel stuck and confused and it’s slowly been eating away at me for years. Sometimes I think I’m depressed, who isn’t these days, but I can’t tell. I’m 21 and I feel like time is quickly running out for me to get my sh*t together. I don’t know who to turn to for help. Even writing this I’m fighting back the urge to cry. You see, I had always been involved in music ever since I was young. It used to be something I truly enjoyed. I decided to go to college for it. I was planning on going into music therapy. The school I choose didn’t quite have a music therapy program yet, but they were in the process of getting it. I was told it would come during my time at the university. However, in my first year of college, it just turned out to be something different than I had pictured. I guess I should have done more research about what studying music was really like. Anyway, unsure of where to go and what to do, I decided to change my major to business because I thought it was more practical and gave me more options for a stable job in the future since I was still unsure of what I wanted to do. But alas after a semester of business, I realized I wasn’t that good at it, so I decided to switch back to music (I don’t know why). Now, I’m in my 4th year of college with an extra semester to go and i’m STILL not satisfied. Everything I have to do irritates me; all my classes, my lessons, my rehearsals, my music tests. I just do it because I want it to be over and me doing them is the only thing that will get me out of here unless I drop out which I’ve genuinely thought about, but I feel like it would be a waste money and 3 years already finished. I feel like I need a life coach. I just don’t know what to do. Sometimes, I wish I could just have a decent to well paying job and be free to do things outside of work that I enjoy. Like extrinsic motivation, but I don’t just want to work a minimum wage job for the rest of my life. I have semi expensive taste and I want to be able to support myself and do things that i ACTUALLY enjoy. Things that I’m interested in currently are plants, interior design, event planning, physical fitness and dancing. I LOVE dancing. It’s one of the only things that make me feel alive right now. So I spend a lot of my time and energy doing that, but I know it cant support me financially. I’m so close to quitting I don’t know how much more I can do this. Nothing about school makes me happy. I kind of hate it here. Should I just be a big girl and finish even though it’s eating away at me? I just don’t seem to care about anything related to school. I don’t want to disappoint my parents and I also feel like if I don’t finish then i’ll have no way to support myself in life. I know this is a really old post, but I really hope you see my comment and are able to give some insight. I just desperately need help and i’m not sure who to turn to
Hi there! I was talking exactly about this with my sister how and where could I find purpose in life, and she should tell me what that is! I feel like I’m drifting and there’s no safe harbor. I’m living abroad with my husband. And he is a wonderful man but doesn’t really know how to understand my struggles. Living as a spouse of an expat where you don’t have your own job, friends and family is quite hard. Im so thankful for this opportunity, however quite often I feel miserable, and that’s where guilt takes over. I set some plans, but drop them because don’t know how much they are exactly what I want, if im doing just because people tell me I’m good at it or if I really want it. I find myself lost and with no motivation. I have this need to feel I’m being productive and eventually I keep myself very busy, yet again busy but not fulfilled.