This was supposed to be easy, routine.
You said you could do it. I expected you to do it.
It isn’t hard, it’s easy! I could do it with my eyes closed.
How could you?! Don’t you know how important this is?
Or don’t you know how trivial that is?
Don’t be stupid!
*SNAP!* “What the $#%*!”
That was the sound of your patience breaking, along with your calm and composure.
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Losing calm, losing control
We all have our pet peeves, the things that annoy and irritate us, and unless you’re a robot with no emotions, you’ve felt the temptation of irritation and anger just gnawing at you from inside, if it hasn’t taken control of you yet.
And it can be so easy and satisfying to let our control go, and just lash out. Just give them a good thrashing, shouting, or even just a few carefully crafted words, aimed to make ourselves feel better.
At the relationship’s expense, of course.
Because losing control and letting yourself go is prime time for saying and doing things you didn’t mean to do, and you wished you could take back, but you can’t.
It’s harder to stay calm in the moment, but in the long run, it’s actually the easier choice to live with.
And it can be a hard choice to make in the moment, but making the choice to stay in control and keep calm is well worth the effort.
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Take a deep breath
In one of his interviews that I watched, Mark Divine, ex-Navy SEAL, said that when you start to panic and lose control of yourself, the first thing to go would be your breathing.
Your steadiness and deep breath is the first thing you lose control, and people start taking shallow breaths, and even hyperventilate.
To regain and maintain control of your breathing, would be one of the physical ways you can regain and maintain control of yourself.
There is a technique he shares, and he calls it box breathing. It’s a method of controlled breathing, in that you take a breath for around 5 seconds, then hold it for 5 seconds, exhale for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, then repeat.
The time doesn’t have to be strictly 5 seconds. It depends on what’s comfortable for you.
Also, catching yourself in the moment and taking deep breaths is a good way to keep control and keep your calm.
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Catch your trigger points
For this tip, it’s all about awareness of yourself, and what causes you to lose your calm.
Recognize your pet peeves and what changes they make in your body.
Is it a heavy feeling in your chest? Or more energy and restlessness in you gut?
Is it your fist clenching and tightening? Or your brows furrowing?
Or is it the sight of an unclean room? An unfinished job? Or a failed plan?
By being aware of our trigger points, we can then prepare ourselves to keep calm and maintain control whenever an annoying or unsettling situation happens.
—
Prepare for the challenging moments
So how can we prepare then?
BJ Fogg, in his TED talk, talks about building tiny habits. In this way, it becomes easier to build and keep habits you want to create.
After identifying a specific trigger point, identify then a very specific behavior, then an accordingly simple celebration. The formula he shares is as follows:
Specific trigger/stimulus -> specific action you want to take -> celebration
so then, a practical example of the habit you want to prepare would be:
Whenever my wife shouts at me, I will take a deep breath, and in my head, say “good job!” to myself.
Also, it helps to practice the habit a few times, either through role-playing it with someone else, or simulating it in your head. So then when the real thing comes, you are more prepared to handle the situation and keep your calm.
—
Take a step back.
A lot of moments of loss of control are caused by us being affected by what’s happening outside of us. A situation, a person, an event, things that happen around us, or happening to us, which if taken the wrong way, can then negatively affect what’s inside of us.
And when I say take a step back, I mean two things.
First, you cant take a step back physically. Walk away from the situation at first so you don’t lose your calm and control, and you don’t end up hurting anybody in the process.
You can always go back to resolve any issues or needed points. What was important in the moment was to not lose your calm, and to keep and maintain relationships important to you.
Second, is to take a step back emotionally and mentally. It’s about not being affected by what’s going on around you, and looking at what’s happening through an objective eye.
This way, it becomes easier to see other people’s actions and their reasons for doing so, and to not interpret everything as an attack on your and your personal self, or just an annoying and irritating even in your day.
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It’s how you see the world.
The last tactic I’m going to share about staying calm, has to deal with how you see the world, and what happens to you.
If you see events as negative, and that everyone is out to get you, it will be easier for you to perceive what happens to you as negative, and thus, easier for you to react negatively.
Since these bozos “deserve it.”
But if you see events as having a silver lining, and that the world is generally a good place, then it can be easier for you to react in a positive manner.
So how do you see the world? What do you believe about your world right now?
How about your trigger points? What are the reasons they make you react that way? Is it really true? All of it?
Also, how do you see yourself in all of this?
Is what happened worth losing calm and control?
More often, it’s not.
Starting next week, I will be changing to a new writing schedule, so instead of Wednesday and Saturday, you’ll be receiving my articles every Monday and Thursday.
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