I flip out at the smallest things.
I just shared to my wife that I don’t have a lot of patience and tolerance for shitheads.
That includes me. And that statement above just tells me that I haven’t been loving to myself in recent memory.
Hence the mental and emotional panic. I can look calm, but I’m actually sweating bullets inside.
How then, do you keep calm, outside, and inside, even when you’re in the feeling, and your whole being doesn’t want to?
Feelings vs. Reality
I’ve often said that what we believe, comes true. That’s because we look for clues and signs to make it come true, and for those to mean what we want for us.
That’s not necessarily reality.
There is my perception, my take on what’s happening to me, my feelings and reactions about it.
And, there is my observation. What I see about what is actually, undeniably true, and what is happening.
Those are two different things.
I had to pay my phone bill, but my provider told me that they hadn’t received my payment, and they told me that had constituted a “broken promise” since I had my payment due date extended, due to being out in the province with no way to pay.
Inside, I was seething. I felt so disrespected and distraught at the abysmal service and terrible experience that I was having.
So then, what happened to me?
I could have just said that I was disrespected, that they weren’t treating me fairly, and that they had sucky service because of all the shit they were throwing at me.
But, did all of that really happen? Did they REALLY throw shit at me?
Of course not.
That was my perception of the event. That was how I felt, how I reacted, and what I believed about it.
Was it helpful? Maybe not.
OK, fine, it wasn’t helpful.
Because, the clear observation of the event, was that I had paid, the provider had not yet received the payment, and was thus cutting my line and not receiving my new payment.
And the minute I had recognized my observation, apart from my feelings and perceptions, was the first step towards actually solving the problem.
We are not our feelings. We are not our beliefs.
And realizing this, I felt calmer, knowing that I can choose to listen, or not listen, to the voices inside of me.
Separate your perceptions from your observations.
Choose to act on what IS, not what you think/feel is.
Breathing
This tip, I encountered from Mark Divine, author of The Way Of The Seal, and confirmed by some of my workshop participants who used to be military.
When a person panics, it’s not their thinking that they lose control of first, nor their emotions, nor hand eye coordination or what else.
It’s their breathing.
I’ve encountered it many times – when my mind freezes up, my heart races. Those symptoms are easy to catch, because they can be so arresting, so in your face.
Underneath all of those, is breathing.
Either I stop breathing, or don’t breath enough.
And then, all the symptoms follow. It may be your body not getting enough oxygen, the fight-or-flight responses kicking in.
One technique Mark Divine shares is box breathing, where you count to 5 in your head while inhaling, hold for 5 counts, exhale for 5 counts, then hold for 5 counts.
If you can control your breathing, you can control your self.
Mental Training
Because you don’t rise to the occasion, but instead, sink to your level of training.
One way to keep calm is to recognize what triggers the panic, and to mentally train yourself to respond in the desired way.
It’s essentially building a habit. To repeat in your mind so that when the time comes, you have a better grasp of yourself and have trained yourself to react accordingly.
Like martial arts, or emergency rescue personnel, who continue to drill themselves over and over until their desired response is second nature.
What are your triggers? What situations and problems, and even people, cause you to panic and react adversely? If you know what your triggers are, then it’s easier for you to train yourself how to react, because you know what triggers your unwanted behavior.
If you know what your triggers are, then you can mentally rehearse how you’re going to react, what you’re going to do, and how you’re going to feel while you’re acting the way you want to.
Close your eyes. Imagine the trigger happening. What’s going on? What action, scene is starting to make you feel negatively, and pushing you to just react. Change it. When you feel, see, experience the trigger, in your mind’s eye, choose to feel calm, in control of your breathing, and imagine how you will act.
Imagine your actions, how you want to feel, and how you want the situation to unfold. Repeat it several times in a day.
Then, when you feel, see, experience the trigger, just go through what you have mentally rehearsed.
If you prepare in your mind, you are setting yourself up to prepare and succeed in the real world.
Keep Calm and Carry On
So says the sign, and the shirt, because it’s absolutely true.
The ability to keep calm, to set aside feelings, and to use your powers of observation, to come up with helpful perceptions, will carry you far, and bring you better and better results.
You are not your feelings.
You can choose to listen, or ignore, the voices in your head, and your feelings.
Learn to train yourself to come up with better and better reactions, feelings, and perceptions – those that will help you get the desired result.
Keep calm.
Learn to keep calm, even when everything else isn’t.
How do you keep your calm in panicked situations? Please share in the comments below!
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