The Day I Saved My Soul

We all have dark times in our lives.  And no, this is not going to be a story about how dark those times were.

And I hear the “woe is me!” and “that time was the worst!” memories creeping up from behind me. Eh, whatever.

The past is in the past.

But that was really a big test, a gigantic hurdle for me.  I failed in several ventures, wasted a lot of time I’ll never get back, lost a lot of money, even my direction in life, and a large part of myself.  I didn’t have to sell a kidney to pay off my debt, but well, you get the picture. And now?

I feel healthier, with more energy, in control over my choices, my life, and my future. I no longer feel trapped in the downward spiral of those fear, inaction, uncertainty, and doubt.  I wouldn’t say that I’m so happy and fulfilled now I could die on the spot already, but I’m way better now, light years, even.

I saw myself as having wasted years of my life, that I should have done more, and taken action sooner.

Well, hindsight is always 20/20.  This must be what regret really feels like.

I spent a lot of time licking my wounds, drifting, aimless, with no direction, motivation, or even aspiration.  It was like I had blindfolds on, and I was living my life that way.  The days when I’d get around 11 hours of sleep and not have any motivation to wake up, and get up, even?

The worst.

And when I met up with friends, colleagues, or new people? Even when I feel the darkness come over me, I’d answer:

“I’m fine.”

Always, anywhere. I’d whip out that smile I’d have trained myself to bring out whenever the need arises.

“I’m fine.”

And I believed that.  I made myself believe that. Even when my body, mind, and soul was ready to give up on this world of mine, I believed that. I was fine, nothing was wrong with me, I was just going through a phase, a rough patch, a hard time.  It will all be back to normal, somehow soon.

And convince myself I did.  I built this personality of fakeness, of disconnectedness, that to friends, and in public, I was fine, happy, jolly, making my way through the world, while during the times I would be by myself, I’d sit still in anguish and pain, not able to take a step into the light, for fear of being beaten down back again and chased away into the darkness from where I came.

Over time, it was hard to keep that up.  Whatever’s inside you will ultimately find a way to bubble up to the surface and show itself, even in the tiniest of moments and openings.

Soon, the walls, comforts, and lies I had built into my life and beliefs came apart. It didn’t last long.  Fakeness will only get you so far.  Time and time again, our souls will always seek what is true for it, as a plant that always seeks the light.

And in the time where I felt the most despair and longing to be whole again, I then laid my first brick in the rebuilding of my life.

“I’m NOT fine.”

“I may seem ok, thanks, but I’m not fine.”

“I’ll put on a smile for everyone, I’m happy to be with you guys, but right now, I’m not fine. I’m struggling though, thanks.”

I chose to be honest to myself. I chose to be honest to my heart, mind, and body, and in the process saved my soul.

Living lies and believing them will tear you apart. They take on a life of their own, ripping you, your identity, who you are and what you stand for into two. Instead of you being a solid, authentic, whole.

It can be hard to be authentic, particularly when you have to face a lot of fear and pain.  We become accustomed to the comfort our masks, lies, and half-truths afford us.  But we become better persons in the process. As we shed each wall, each comfortable lie, each mask, we recover a bit of our wholeness, and allow ourselves, bit by bit, to shine for who we are.

Who we really are.

And in choosing to be honest with myself, came the realizations that where I was was not where I wanted to be, and that I needed help. I needed to help myself.

The day I saved my soul, was the day I chose to be honest to myself. And I keep on making that choice, to get to keep on saving my soul every single day.

Can you think of a time when you became honest with yourself amidst overwhelming doubt, pain, comfort, or uncertainty? Please share in the comments below!