What Advice Can Rob You Of

In this life of mine, I’ve received and given a fair share of advice, and you know what?

There are many times when that doesn’t turn out so well.

When I give advice, it’s with the best of intentions.  I don’t do it to toot my own horn, or to show others that I’m better than them.

Then, what happens next?

Ugh.

Most of the time, it doesn’t turn out too well.

And looking back, that’s my experience as well.  I’ve had people come up to me from nowhere, and with the best of intentions, star giving me advice.

Start telling me what to do, and how I should do it.

Or they start telling me why what I’m doing is wrong, and what should I do differently.

I got this from strangers, from friends, and most of the time, it didn’t feel good.

 

All Advice Is Autobiographical

What that means is that whatever we share, and what comes as a product from our minds, is coming from how we see the world.  It’s coming from our thoughts, our feelings, our knowledge, our experiences, and even our imagination.

Even how we experience the world is unique to us, our lenses and biases, beliefs and upbringing.

Meaning, when we give advice, it’s coming from what we know.

And that can be dangerous.

 

We don’t know the other person’s full situation.

When we give advice, we may not totally consider all that a person has, sees, or can accomplish in any given situation.

We can only envision and imagine what the person might be able to do, based on what we know, how we understand that, and our experiences.  We can try our hardest to listen, but won’t be able to grasp the full situation.

Meaning, we can give advice that may not be a real solution, or that the person might not have the power, at this moment, to do and follow through on.

 

The advice we give might not work.

And the person might come back to us, blame us, and have ill feelings towards us, because what they believed to be a solution to their problem, as suggested by you, didn’t work out.

And even with the best of intentions, and openness of the people, there will still be a kernel of mistrust and resentment somewhere inside that will keep on saying: “That was wrong!  Why did I ever trust you?!”

And it sucks.  Too much advice giving is destructive to relationships, and destructive to people as well.

Which leads me to my main point:

 

Advice Can Rob

Advice can rob you of a healthy relationship, wounded by advice given, and not working.  Or by giving too much advice that’s not even asked for.

Advice can come off as preaching, as a know-it-all.  There might even be a hidden message in advice, that says: “I know better.  Not you.”

Advice robs a person of their responsibility.  That’s why they come back to you and blame you if the advice doesn’t work.  By following your advice, they might feel that they won’t be responsible for the outcome.  It can rob people of the chance to own up to the consequences of their actions.

And advice can rob a person of their power – to come up with a solution and do it.

By giving advice, essentially telling a person what to do, I am assuming that they wouldn’t be able to figure out a solution to their problem by themselves.  Even more so when I give my advice when they’re not asking for it.

Sure, people will ask for advice, especially if it’s for specific action points, and if they’re coming to you as a subject matter expert.  But by that time, it’s already clear what they want to do, and how they’re going to solve their problems.

Advice can be disempowering, weakening, and not strengthening.  For advice to be effective, you’ve got to believe in the power of the person to come up with their own solution, and to ask for the advice that they need.

And not the advice that they want to hear.

There’s a difference.

 

It’s about how you make it work for you.

And if you’re on the receiving end of advice, it’s really all about how you make it work for you.  What can you take away that you can integrate with what you’re doing, or with what you plan to do.  Or to disregard the advice altogether.

It’s your choice.

Focus on what works.

And not on what takes away.

 

 

What do you think about giving and receiving advice?  Please share in the comments below!