Why Holding Grudges Doesn’t Work (Even If We Think It Does)

Reality check: holding grudges doesn’t work.  Even though they feel so good.

They make you feel so right, so vindicated.  It’s you who’s right, and not them.  Especially not him.  Or her.

They were the ones who did you wrong.  They haven’t apologized to you, and they don’t even seem sorry.  You don’t see them trying to do anything to fix their mistakes, and that just strengthens the grudge you have.

The anger, frustration, pain and hurt, still welling up inside of you.  Reminding you of how much you’ve been hurt.

Sure you may be right, you may even feel motivation and energy.

But that’s not going to last very long, will it?

 

It’s a ball and chain.

Don’t you have some people who you just hate?  You still have negative feelings towards them, because of what they did?  Or didn’t do?

I’m not perfect.  I still have people in mind who fit the description.  Just seeing them, even thinking about them, riles up my insides.

“The idiots.  I’m right, and I’m still right.  They never listened! They deserve what they got!”  So on and so forth.

And then slowly, negativity begins to fill my mind, and cloud my judgment.

I then begin to lose my self-awareness, and then just react to what happens to me and what I hear and experience.

I lose my self-freedom.

I lose it to my negative thoughts.  I still haven’t given that person a chance to prove themselves otherwise.

I still haven’t let go of the negativity, of the painful experience, of my ego and pride being hurt.

“But you’re right!  What you did is justified!  It’s them who are wrong!”

At the end of the day, does it really matter?  Isn’t your relationship with people, with yourself, more important?

Grudges, harboring ill will and negative beliefs and feelings, rob us of that freedom, and of feeling of being free and light, from having open, non-negative relationships with people.

Even yourself.

 

It saps your energy.

You might often mistake the energy from holding a grudge as righteous energy, as we feel it defends our beliefs and our personhood.

But what those feelings actually do, is build walls.  They build walls of insecurity and rejection.  They build walls between people and us, and even our true feelings, and what we really want to happen.

All because we put a premium on being right, and on reinforcing our belief that another person is wrong.  Or stupid.  Or untrustworthy.  Or incompetent.  You get the picture.

And it takes a lot of energy to maintain and keep those feelings alive.

Even long after the incident has happened.

Even long after you haven’t seen the person.

Maybe, even long after you realized you were wrong, but couldn’t bring yourself to say sorry, or to admit that you were also wrong.

Yet, you still harbor those feelings, those grudges that you have.  The emotions we choose to have either provide us energy, or require energy to maintain.

Truth:  Positive emotions make us feel happy, and really provide us the energy, and spring in our step, so to speak.  Negative emotions require energy to maintain, and are often not very productive, and influences us to make bad decisions.

Other people can feel it!  Whether we are filled with positive or negative energy.

Negative energy is not life-giving.  Other people also feel that.  It just sucks the life out of you.

And you don’t want that.

 

Holding grudges keep you afraid.

I just realized this as I was writing.  I kept avoiding writing this down, because it was painful to write and face the grudges and negativity that I was still holding.

That it was all fear.

Fear of other people, or you yourself, disappointing you.  Fear that you won’t get what you want.  Fear of other people rejecting you, or of you rejecting you.

The anger, frustration, pain, and resentment, become walls that come between what we really feel, and what we want to show other people.

We may be afraid of telling other people what we really feel, or how we really feel in the moment.  We try to communicate it negatively, through anger, rejection, and blaming.

For fear of being rejected, misunderstood, or of other people’s opinion, when we try to present what we feel honestly and openly.

For fear of admitting that we were wrong.  And all of the imaginary consequences that can bring upon us.

Holding grudges keeps us afraid and provides a cover-up for our true feelings.

Holding grudges also provides a wall.  To protect us, because we also don’t know how to handle what we’re really feeling.

 

Set yourself free

Despite the satisfying feeling it can give us, ultimately, grudges only serve to rob us of our freedom and personal power.

We give in to the monster inside of us.

The monster that keeps telling us to be right at all costs.

At all costs.

So if you’re reading this.

I’m sorry.

 

Do you have an experience on how you kept a grudge and negative feelings?  Please share in the comments below!