I spent such a long time wallowing in pain and self-doubt, hurt and self-pity. I was miserable. And it didn’t even take me a long time to become miserable. Before I even hit bottom, I knew. I felt it was coming.
And it took quite a shock, and some time for me to go for changes. Sometimes, I catch myself looking back and asking myself : “Why didn’t I go for changes earlier? quicker?”
In hindsight, I should have went for changes earlier. It seemed simpler now, and If only I knew what to do and what I needed to start, I could have been somewhere else better by now.
Only life doesn’t work that way. You can never get a refund on your time, and there are save and reload points.
There are times and situations where you don’t want to go for the change.
Looking back, I was so afraid of so many things. I still am afraid of things now, but I’ve found the strength to go through it. Even when I didn’t have the strength, I faked through moments of it, and then realized you had the strength to just go ahead, face your fear, and do it.
Looking back, there were several things I was afraid of:
I feared that people would tell me that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t qualified, or worthy, to do and offer anything of value. That people wouldn’t want me on their teams and would not want to work with me. I felt so afraid of people’s opinions and wanted to please people so badly.
And I realized that was not a nice way to live life.
What was more important was what I believed about myself and what I told myself about those beliefs.
I was afraid of taking a risk, trying new things. I was afraid of the possibility that I could fail again, and that I would end up worse than where I was. I felt that it was going to be such a struggle to improve myself and change my life, that I would end up failing, or falling short, and that I would never get to where I want.
What I found out though, was that by giving in and letting myself be chained to my fears, I would only end up more of a failure. Winners in life take risks. It’s better to risk and have done something than to just be comfortable and stay a nothing.
That’s what thinking small, and self-pity gets you. I got so comfortable being a victim in my life that I was afraid of breaking out of that and being successful.
I was afraid of how much effort that would take, what changes I would have to make, and how much that would change me. I hadn’t even taken a shot, and I was already pulling myself down.
Because if I did succeed, and gotten all that I wanted, I really didn’t know how I would end up, because I didn’t know what I really wanted at the time.
I Don’t Know What I Want
Lewis Carroll wrote this in his story, “Alice in Wonderland:”
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
I was afraid of making changes because I didn’t know what I wanted to do or become.
I was also afraid of making changes because I also sort of knew a general direction, but I had not decided, committed to what I wanted to do, what I wanted to become, and what kind of life I wanted to have.
I Don’t Know What To Do
And having options also paralyzed me from taking solid action, because I could not commit and decide what to go for. I hadn’t even thought of taking some time each to explore options, because I was so afraid of losing out on the benefits of the other options I had. Talk about being greedy.
But I figured a lot of people, even me, thinks in this way. We want our cake and eat it too.
I had a place to live, I had food, I still had friends, and still got invited to do things. I still had my family, was trying to start another business, and generally was in no real danger.
And when people ask me, I always said: “I’m OK.”
And that felt comfortable. That felt right. I felt that chances would come my way, I’d be handed a break sooner or later for being such a good person, and I’d somehow be set for life.
It’s true. I was OK. I could provide for all my needs. But it would, in no way, get me to the dreams and life that I wanted. They seemed so far away, and impossible, when all I could cling to was the feeling of comfort and of what I’ve got right now, not realizing it wasn’t a lot, and there could always be more. I could always be more.
I didn’t want to get real with where I was. I kept on telling myself that I was peachy keen and that everything will fall into place. What they didn’t tell me that everything falls into place for the person who takes action, and actually does something.
For the longest time, I kept believing that bullshit story I made, and kept telling myself. And getting real, and facing the facts, helped me to take action and to finally go for change.
Change can be good. Very good for our lives and dreams. When is change not good? When you don’t want to grow and just stay where you are.
That wasn’t for me.
Can you tell me other ways when you didn’t want to go for change? Share in the comments below!