What Happens When You Don’t Love Yourself

What does it look like to be in control, but to unknowingly lose it, and to be overtaken by emotions and opinions?

I was beating myself up, and beating up others in the process.

And yet, at that moment, I couldn’t push for my beliefs, despite the possibility of disappointing my loved ones.

Whatever I did, I wasn’t happy.

What happened?

What happens when you don’t love yourself?

 

Anger

The waiter took our orders, and said yes to a promotion that was available, prompting us to order more than we planned, to take advantage of said promo.

Only hitch – we didn’t read the fine print.  The promotion was only valid from Mondays to Fridays.  It was a Saturday.

But still, our waiter reiterated several times that we could take advantage of the promo.

And so we believed him.

When time came to pay, only then did he say he was sorry, and that the promo didn’t apply to us.

I felt I was baited and switched.  Stupid me for allowing me and my family to be “scammed” by our own stupidity and foolishness.

I was angry, and wanted accountability and fairness.  I wanted our server to also pay for the consequences of his actions.

My loved ones held off.  They told me to stop, and just pay the bill.  They were sympathetic to the waiter, and that it was enough that he said sorry.

Really?  I didn’t see the sincerity in his eyes.  All I saw was someone who took advantage of me.

Even though I had a choice to see otherwise.

And so the anger continued.

 

Pain

It gave me a lot of pain, because I felt that wasn’t fair, and that I wouldn’t make such a stupid mistake.

And if I did, I would be accountable enough to face the consequences.

I felt it was right to have the person experience tough love, because it wouldn’t be fair to me, or to other future customers.

I felt it hard to forgive the person.

In the same manner, I felt it hard to forgive myself for making such a simple mistake.

“Caveat emptor” – buyer beware, as they say.

It was ironic that I wanted to keep the waiter accountable for his actions, but I was already lashing out at him inside.  It was an adult version of a toddler meltdown.

It was painful, especially in the moment, to forgive and let go of the pain, because I felt that I was hoodwinked, and that hell and heaven’s wrath be brought down on this person.

Because of his stupidity, and most especially, because of my stupidity.

That was the most painful.  That I was using anger as a shield so I wouldn’t have to face my own stupidity.

 

Can’t put things in the proper frame

Because of the whole mess-up that happened, I ended up being overcharged 7 bucks.

I felt, that I was scammed out of my 7 bucks.

Saying that out loud made me feel silly, foolish, and I wanted to beat myself up inside.

The negative self-talk continues.

All of these, because of the lack of self-love, continues to create a cycle of pain, anger, unforgiveness, and overreaction to simple things that wouldn’t actually be problems.

Instead, I became overcritical of others, because I was overcritical of myself.

I was looking for love from outside, from other people and situations, and when I don’t get it, I lash out and go “HULK SMASH” until I get it.

Sound familiar?  Sounds like something that you do?

Also, was it about the cash, or the principle of the thing?  Because even if it was both, it surely didn’t warrant that kind of reaction.

I could have handled the situation calmly, still maintaining an inner calm, all the while keeping the person accountable, not being scammed of 7 bucks, and still choosing to be happy.

Also, it was a small amount!  Why not be the kind of person who wouldn’t even be fazed by the extra 7 bucks?

Because I wasn’t being loving to myself, I couldn’t put the situation, people’s reactions, and my reactions, into the proper frame.

Instead, I blew them up, overreacted, and saw them as threats to my safety and happiness.

Things I found hard to provide myself, without love.

 

What lack of love leads to

I became over critical of myself, which in turn, lead me to be overcritical of other people.

You lose confidence, lose opportunities, and don’t make an effort to reach out and build relationships.

You really only wish to other people what you can realistically wish upon yourself.

I have wished all kinds of misfortune on other people – from being run over, to losing all their money and loved ones, to wishing them to die and leave this world.

Because in one form or another, I have wished these upon myself, because of the simple mistakes and things that I could not forgive and love myself for.

When I don’t love myself, I become less of a person.

That’s not true

That doesn’t mean I’m deserving of any less love.

It just means that I need to learn more ways to love myself.

 

What happens to you when you don’t love yourself?  Please share in the comments below!