The Pain Of Moving Forward

I left.

I left carrying with me a lot of lessons, insights, and blessings. About the world, people, and about myself.

I also took with me a lot of memories and experiences, some of which I wanted to leave behind. But then again, those things become a part of you. You don’t leave them behind, and they don’t really leave you. To try to leave them behind, or to deny them, only serve to give them power over you.

Face them and befriend them, so they’ll give you power instead.

Time marches on, ready or not. The world, life, doesn’t stop for anyone. Everyone grows old and dies.

I’d rather not die standing still.

And I still haven’t paid back life for the thrashing I got a few years back.

– – –

The Pain of Belief

For some time, I told myself the following things:

“No one would want you.”

“Earning money is hard. It will always be that way.”

“There will always be something stopping and blocking you from getting what you want.”

And the most deadly of them all:

“That’s just the way it is.”

I believed in a world where it would be such a miraculous, overwhelming effort for me to succeed. That I would have to fight tooth and nail to even have a bite of success, however I defined it.

I’d always find myself repeating these statements, and thinkign them aloud in my head. I so deeply believed in them.

What traitors they turned out to be.

I first had to get honest with what I believed in, with what I was telling myself. To get brutally real with where I was in life as of the moment.

That I didn’t like the life I had.

And even what kind of life I wanted.

I had to stop telling myself the bullshit stories that I was telling myself, that I so deeply believed in.

I told myself the truth. I faced the truth. That I didn’t make the best of choices, that I felt I wasted time, that I could be a better person.

With acceptance, comes truth, comes clarity, comes hope, comes imagination and freedom, comes options, comes actions.

I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. It was so painful to be in that state. I couldn’t bear it anymore.

There were times I’d dismiss what I felt and thought, that this wasn’t for me, that I had the power to build the life that I wanted. I only put myself through hell.

And that pain pushed me to take action to get out of where I was, and into a better place.

– – –

The Pain of the Process

I remember lying in bed, woken up by my alarm, in a tiny, worn out room, out in the province, 4:30 in the morning, thinking out:

“Why isn’t anything happening to me?”

I was in total confusion then, despairing. In hindsight, the answer was really simple.

It was because I wasn’t doing anything.

Sure I didn’t like where I was, but I was coping pretty well, and I sort of knew what to do.

But knowing is different from doing.

I was afraid of starting, I was afraid of the uncertainty, that when I start to change things in my life, that nothing would happen and that I’d stay the same, and keep on getting the same results.

Again, check fear and bullshit at the door. Feel it, but still do it.

That, and I had nothing to lose from starting.

I remember committing to writing, and to regular exercise. And even that at first was painful. I could never thought doing push-ups could be so hard. That and how I could be so weak.

The Navy SEALS have a saying: “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” Nobody clarified that it was going through the pain that would strengthen you and build you up, not staying in it.

It can be uncomfortable and painful to do actions, and to change habits and routines you’ve been accustomed to for so long.

But you know what? It can be more painful to keep them.

I was more afraid of staying where I was, than moving forward amidst uncertainty.

Another painful part of the process is the waiting. The feeling of not seeing results after three or four months of action.

This is where faith comes in. Faith and hope. And the belief that doing something is better than doing nothing.

– – –

Pain of Letting Go.

I was blessed to have met great people along the way. Relationships that provided comfort, humor, fun, and support. People that knew how to have a good time, and were really great at what they do.

And even amidst the turmoil I had, I still grew comfortable with my spot, with the places I go to, and the people I met.

And it was hard, yet I felt in my heart it was the right thing to do.

I won’t be seeing them all that often, maybe not at all for a long time, yes I am grateful to have met them, gotten to know them, and share many meals with them.

If ever any of you guys are reading this, thanks for the guidance, support, and fun. It was great working with you great guys, and I sincerely wish all of you the success you’re looking for. I’ll remember that, even for a short time, we shared stories, songs, successes, and smiles. Even a little swimming.

– – –

The pain of staying, was more than the pain of moving forward. That may be fact, but it wasn’t an easy action to take.

Then again, there is pain in changing, and becoming a better person, the person that I wanted to be, and in creating the life that I wanted to have.

And you know what? When you keep on moving forward, and you keep on taking action, and you keep on believing positive and empowering beliefs.

The pain starts to go away.

Step by step, moment by moment.

Day by day.

Moving forward.