What Bad Signal Quality Can Teach You About Listening

My fiancee and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 10 months.

She’s out in the province doing great work helping people who need help and rehabilitation in their communities and lives.  She also passionate about what she does.

And that sucks.

It sucks because all that we have to communicate with is either the internet or through mobile phones.

Only the signal quality isn’t so good.  Let me correct myself,

it’s downright awful.

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So one of the things that happen is when I call her, she can hear me fine, but I can’t hear what she’s saying.  I have to put down the phone and call again.  And then, we hear each other fine.

Sometimes, it won’t work the first time, and then either me or her, has got to put down the phone and call again.

Sort of like a reset button.  If things aren’t working out, you can always either start again, or pick up where you left off if the call gets dropped.

I have to make sure I’m there, she’s there, that we can both hear each other fine, before we can even begin to have a conversation.

Have you ever imagined how silly it would be to have a conversation where you can hear and speak just fine, but the other person can only speak, and doesn’t hear you? Or the other person can only hear and listen, and can’t speak?

But you know what? That sounds to me like some of the conversations we have on a daily basis.  With the people we meet, the people we work with, and even the people we love.

Or sometimes, we can both be present physically, but be absent emotionally, mentally.

You’re there, but you’re really not.

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Another thing that plagues our phone calls is signal loss.

When we’re talking, and she’s telling me something important, and then the sound garbles up, or the signal cuts temporarily.  Next thing I know, she’s finished her sentence, and asks me “what do I think?”

See what’s happening there?

Then I ask her to repeat what she said.  This annoys her to no end, because she says that repeating what she just said is a pet peeve of hers.

And this happens to me also.  I’m in the thick of telling my story, and excited to share, when suddenly she tells me she didn’t get the whole story.  So then she asks me to repeat myself, which I do.

And in this case, it doesn’t annoy me to repeat myself.

Because at the end of the day, we have to make sure we understand what other people are telling us, and we also make an effort that other people can understand what it is we are also saying.

Too many conversations have been mired in limbo and hell because people didn’t make an effort to understand each other.  Or worse, because people assumed what the other person is saying.

And I’m not saying I’m innocent of this.  There were times where I though I could just pick up the context clues and assume what was being said.

Big mistake there.

Another conversation killer.  Because then, it’s you holding the conversation for two people.  What if what you’re thinking is not the same as what other people are thinking?

Isn’t that the case all the time?

People want to hear what they want to hear.  This can mean being closed off to what other people want us to hear.  Because that could be the truth.  The truth we ourselves don’t want to hear.

Because it’s safer to be closed off.  Not better, mind you. Safer.

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Having poor signal quality is also an amplifier.

It amplifies all the distractions and barriers that are there to stop you from having that great conversation you want to have.

That electric fan in the background? That passing motorcycle? Or what about your noisy housemates? Yep, that all got picked up, making what you say a garbled mess.  Can you repeat what you just said?

It then takes more effort to actively listen and be aware of the barriers present.  To put more energy and focus into hearing and listening so that you can understand what’s being said.

It’s also about sensitivity.  Over the phone, it’s easier to cut off the person when they are about to start talking, and sometimes, we even talk over the other person.  Can you just imagine how much of a mess that is? Two people trying to talk over each other?

Because you assume or expect the other person to back down and give way for you? There goes that conversation out the window.

Communicating and great conversations is also about getting comfortable with silence.  The more comfortable you are with silence, the more you invite the other person to connect and share with you.  It also sets the tone that when it’s time for you to speak, the other person will then return the favor and keep silent as well, listening to you also.

Learn to be comfortable with silence.  Both physically and mentally.  Most of the time, we’re really just listening to respond.  That’s not really listening.  How can you understand what’s being said when you’re too busy poking holes and thinking of what you’re going to say?

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There’s a weird moment in phone calls when I call a person, and all I hear back is my own voice.  It’s like my voice gets mirrored back at me, or somebody with the same voice that I have is parroting my every word and nuance.

Like I said, bad signal quality.

And there are also times when we look like we’re listening, but we’re actually listening to something else.  Namely, ourselves.

You hear in your mind what you’re going to say next, and what point you’re going to pick up.  Whether you have done the laundry, what’s the next chore you need to do, and whether your next meeting will push through.

It’s not about multitasking.  It’s about understanding. And respect.

When we hear ourselves too much, we lose an opportunity to connect to another person, and maybe even learn something new, as well as strengthen the relationship.

We can be our own worst obstacles to connecting and listening with other people.

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It’s still a challenge for me.  Internet’s not too stable as well, and phone is the best thing we have to go on.

It still sucks.  But not as much though.  I can’t imagine not making the call.  Not making an effort to listen even more.

And I’m not perfect.  There’s always signal interference.  Either on my phone, or on my mind.

But I try. My hardest.

To listen.