Deep Inside, This Is The Person We Want To Be

When I was a kid, all I ever wanted was to be somebody.

Somebody people would look up to. Confident, charismatic, caring, calm, and just a little bit crazy.

Somebody who was wealthy and had a lot of means, and yet still down to earth, hardworking and humble.

I wanted to have freedom and control in my life, as well as be inspiring, imaginative, and creative.

I dreamed of making a deep, positive impact on the lives of people, just like my many idols and inspirations.

I wanted to be somebody else.

—

When I was in elementary, I already felt that I didn’t fit in. Sure, I got into the same hobbies and wants as most of my classmates, but I never really felt that I belonged.

I thought differently, I believed differently, and so I acted differently.

I got into my fair share of fights, and was generally a spoiled little brat. But from an early age, I poured myself, heart, mind, body, and soul, into whatever it was that I did.

I was so gung-ho about being in the moment fully, and enjoying what I was doing, sometimes, a little too much even.

Whether it was on the playground, video games, novels, hobbies, or even history books and encyclopedias, I wanted to do all that I can, and enjoy as much as I can.

I was always in my own little dreamworld, full of grand visions and a great futures.

And maybe was a little lost in the real world.

Looking back, what a fun kid I must have been.

—

I don’t know when it started, but I found myself being picked on by my other classmates.

They had similar hobbies. They liked and believed in similar things, and tried to act in the same way. They were the cool kids, the ones who fit in. I was then the ugly duckling. The one who felt aloof and different.

Easy prey.

So the cool kids then started picking on the ugly duckling, for the uncool, weird and different person that he is. For the quiet, lost, and clueless person that he is. For the impressionable, sensitive, young mind that he is.

And the poor ugly duckling had to defend himself. He resorted to violence first, which in a structured school system, only got him into further trouble and isolation. So then to survive, he had to do something drastic.

He hid.

He hid his dreams, stories, visions.

He hid so he wouldn’t be hurt.

He let go of interests and beliefs he once had, in an effort to fit in. He tried to hard to be accepted by his peers. He didn’t want to feel hurt and isolated anymore.

When his classmates made fun of him, he laughed along as well. He didn’t want to defend himself for fear of chasing away his “friends.” He was afraid of being left alone.

He disconnected from parts and dreams that he once held dear. He started being interested in what the other classmates were interested in, and even started acting a little like them.

So then he changed. His heart grew black, and his soul disconnected. He didn’t want to be this way.

He picked on others who still held on to their quirks, their uniqueness, those who had a hard time fitting in. Even when he felt for them, and wanted to reach out to them, he was more afraid of being everyone else’s target.

To everyone I hurt, I’m sorry. I was so afraid, and I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself. Or for you guys.

I’m sorry.

—

I paid a high price for what I did, and what I let happen to me.

I didn’t know any better. But the payment and the lessons still remain.

That experience has taught me to listen better, watch people closer, and to manage my feelings, thoughts, and actions. It somehow taught me to be a chameleon, to “fake it” to get along with people.

That experience has also taught me insecurity, fear, self-doubt, negativity, pain, loneliness, and weakness.

And those snakes continue to rear their ugly heads up to this day. Saboteurs.

—

Over time, I’ve begun to reconnect to the dreams, visions, and feelings that I had when I was a young kid. The one that didn’t hide. The one that lived life to the fullest.

And it can be hard at times. Especially when I feel I’m pressuring myself. When I feel that I can’t do it, and that I’m so unsure. When I don’t feel it’s possible for me, that taking action and succeeding is something I can be confident in.

People really can’t stay the same. We’re either getting better, or getting worse.

And the same goes for who we are.

We’re either becoming ourselves, or becoming removed from ourselves.

And it sucks to be removed from ourselves. To do things that don’t make us feel alive, to hurt and deny ourselves to survive.

These only serve to limit our success, to make our lives miserable.

Because what if you were able to freely be yourself, and improve yourself, and to do things with a clean conscience, a happy and peaceful feeling, and great results? And I mean results that not only benefit yourself, but a whole lot of other people as well?

That’s why we resonate with our idols and inspirations. Because they affect us positively. Somewhere deep inside of us, we want to be our idols, because they openly share what we are afraid to. They are the us that we hide away.

Maybe that’s what our struggle here on earth is.

It’s about finding and doing what is life-giving for us.

It’s about making every moment count.

It’s about spending time with people you love to be with.

It’s about getting real with where you are right now.

It’s about moving forward from the hurt and pain of the past.

It’s about overcoming self-doubt, and having faith it’ll all work out.

Deep inside, it’s about becoming the person you want to be.

It’s about becoming you.

More and more you.

—

Now, I still want to be somebody.